Hey y'all!
I think I said that right. I'm working on my "y'all"s and my "all y'all"s. I don't understand "all y'all"s. Y'all is you plus all, right? So "all y'all" means "all you all"? That doesn't make sense. But welcome to the South.
Sorry there will be no pictures this week. I didn't bring my usb cable to the library today. I forgot. :(
But I'm stationed in a tiny little town called Alma. It the home to about 2000 people and reminds me a lot of Philomath, but not as nice. They're some really interesting people here. REALLY interesting people. There's also some very nice people as well as some mean people. Luckily the nice people are more numerous than the mean people. I still haven't had a shotgun in my face, but we came close this one time. That was kinda scary. More about that some other time.
Here's the answer to the question I know you're all dying to ask: Have I seen a cockroach?
The answer: Have I seen a cockroach? Have I seen a cockroach? Let me tell you, I have done more than just see a cockroach, I have battled one in mortal combat. His eyes were menacing and dark. My hair was slick with sweat and my armor was coated in dirt from the day's work. The cockroach charged towards me and I dodged it with a quick sidestep. While the cockroach roared past me, I countered with a blinding attack of light. The cockroach was momentarily dazed by the flash of light. Sensing an opportunity, I charged with my sword raised towards the dazed cockroach. Seeing my advances, the cockroach pulled itself out of it's stupor and began to stampede towards me. As we came closer and closer, the cockroach accelerated to ramming speed so I made a quick plan. Seconds away from the imminent collision, I jumped and cleared the cockroach with my long legs. I rolled over the cockroach's armor plated back and landed heavily on the ground. I stood up quickly, brushed some dirt off, and surveyed the damages. My armored tie had mostly protected me from the cockroach's barbed feelers and powerful ways of grossness but I was still hurt by the ugliness of the cockroach in particular. My tie and my collar stays, while Teflon coated, just could not withstand that sort of firepower. The cockroach rattled like a train going around a corner. It stopped and looked at me as it if was confused. "Why are not squished?" it seemed to say. I raised my sword over my head and yelled my battle cry in retaliation to the cockroach; "THIS. IS. MICRO FIBER!!!" I ran towards the cockroach, sword at the ready. The cockroach, still taken aback by my sure audacity, did not register my advance and was slow to respond. I charged and swung my sword and smote the cockroach down. Then I picked it up with tongs and flushed it down the toilet. I then bowed and claimed my title to be forever known as "Elder Carlson, Cockroach Slayer".
So yeah. I've seen a cockroach. Two actually. I only killed the one though. With a water bottle. It was about the size of my fingernail. The other one I saw was about the size of my palm and I thought about stepping on it, but then my shoe would get really gross. Plus it was HUGE. And it freaked me out.
Alma is an interesting place. It has very few people but has many fast food restaurants. We have DQ, McDonalds, KFC, Pizza hut, Harvey's (it's known as Carl's Jr. back in Oregon), and others. It's kinda funny.
My companion is Elder H. He's a fun guy. He's from Idaho and he's been on a mission for about 10 months. Sometimes I start talking about a movie and he puts his hands in his ears and goes LALALALALALALA. I forget that he hasn't seen some of the more recent ones. On our down time during dinner we like to talk about movies, funny bits, and songs. Luckily for me and for him he likes to sing as well. I think I may have drove Elder P nuts in the MTC. Elder H is pretty silly but he's a good missionary. It's rough sometimes because we can't be out and about on bikes after dark here in Alma. It turns out it's one of the drug capitals of Georgia. We can go out if we have appointments in the car but we only get 700 miles a month. A little under 200 of those miles are used going to the weekly district meeting. Some of our investigators live 16 miles away and that's a little hard to do on bikes since we have to take a highway with no shoulder. It's almost the new month though so we can use our car again. We used it today actually.
The branch is small and we don't have many dinner appointments, or really any, so we've been mostly feeding ourselves. My companion and I are headed to the grocery store after our emails are sent to pick up groceries. I'm excited to get things other than boxed mac and cheese. Skim milk is also something I'm looking forward to. And lettuce. And apples. And fruit. And vitamins. You know, stuff.
Here's one funny story. We went and visited an older gentlemen who is a less active member. For those of you don't know what a less active member is, it means that it's a member of the church who doesn't come to church anymore. We visit them all the time to see how they're doing, help them out if we can, and help them come back to church. Most of the inactive members here have no desire to come back or just can't come for one reason or another that we can't do anything about, so we visit them to just see how they're doing. This was an older gentlemen in a nice house in town. He has two chihuahuas, Radar and Roxy. Roxy is a very mean little dog who doesn't like anybody. Luckily I didn't get bit, which Elder H warned me might happen. Radar is a very.... excited dog. Imagine Scooter but faster, smaller, lickier, and not as smart. He jumps over everything and will claw and squirm his way into your lap and on your head and under your arm. He's very persistent and he never stops moving. He was quite determined to lick every part of my body he could get to. He got my ears quite well. Sitting down on the couch was a mistake. I knew that before I sat down. He was eyeballing me and watching were I was going to sit down. I sat down and he jumped up onto my lap. I pushed him to the other couch cushion and he jumped up on the headrest and ran back and forth between the sides of my head alternating between licking in the left ear and the right ear. I didn't like it but he was fast and whenever I got close to getting him he would run to the other ear. He is called Radar because he has huge ears on the top of his head that just stick up and look like radar dishes. I gave in and petted his belly which he enjoyed for about a second and then began licking my arm. Then he ran and sat on Elder H's lap. Then more licking, then he chased Roxy and growled, then he tried to jump on my head. We were only there for a few minutes and he must of gone several miles in running and jumping. The man we saw was quite nice and we visited with him. He's been working on remodeling his house and he showed us all the changes that he had made. We talked about his extensive lighthouse collection as well as his eagle collection. Interesting guy.
I love you all and miss you. But I believe that what I can share can really help people. It's really helped my life as well as numerous others. I'm a representative of Jesus Christ, doing what He would do if He was in Alma, GA. This message blesses people and helps them understand who they are, who God is, why they're here, and where they are going. More importantly, this message is the way back to our Heavenly Father.
There is a God. I can promise you that. He's our Heavenly Father. I know He's there and He cares for me, and cares for you. He has a Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is my Savior and my Redeemer. He has done for me and for you such an unspeakable act of kindness that we can never repay Him. I know that this is His church restored on the earth today. He leads it and He guides it. We have a prophet today, just like in the Bible and the Book of Mormon, who's name is Thomas S. Monson. The Book of Mormon is another witness of Jesus Christ. It is scripture from God. Every word and every verse is revelation for our day and our age. There is no way a farm boy with a third grade education could have written it. It is a witness that Jesus was, and still is, our Savior. Read it. It is the best book on Earth today. That's why I'm here. To share with people a message, to help them, and to show them the Book of Mormon and invite them to read it. Please read it. Just give it a try. I can promise you that if you read it and pray, you can find out for yourself if it's true.
See you in 23 months.
We also received this picture of Matthew with President and Sister Jensen:
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